Great Moments In Practical Headlines

What Josh Hamilton and the Texas Rangers can Learn from Whitney Houston's Passing

That's the most practical headline in the world because it guarantees I will never read the article. You can if you'd like.

Ah, heck. One sentence can't hurt ...

It will remind Mr. Hamilton that his 2010 MVP award and back-to-back appearances in the World Series won’t save him from weak moments in the future that could – in the extreme – cause irreporable harm to himself and others.

Oh. Oh, no.

Perhaps Ms. Houston’s tragedy can serve as the ultimate teaching point to Mr. Hamilton, who has already likely jeopardized his chance for a long-term contract with the Rangers after his current deal expires at the end of the 2011 season.

Oh, no. Please, no.

I applaud the Texas Rangers for making a "Bodyguard" investment in an effort to increase the likelihood that one of their prized assets has every chance to maximize his productive potential.

Is that even a pun? What is that? There's no such thing as a "bodyguard investment." That isn't even a thing. This is the first Google result for "bodyguard investment":

And now I'm just picturing Kevin Costner carrying Josh Hamilton to his car. That's not fair.

This was an actual article put up on Forbes.com. But at least I'm happy to report that when your brain turns into a fog and leaks out your nose, you don't feel a thing, which is idfanj af af; dšdjœfffffffffff