Pittsburgh Pirates To Celebrate The Pittsburgh Pirates Of Music

By Grant Brisbee - Editor

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Jan 18, 2012 - It's almost like this is scripted. Like we're living in an abstract of a fictional world where things fit just a little too neatly. The Pirates released their summer concert calendar today.

Boyz II Men, Daughtry, STYX & Lifehouse to perform in concert at PNC Park this year.

And you sit back, slumped in your chair, wondering how it's come to this. Of course it was the Pirates. Just six or seven months ago, you were so thrilled that the Pirates were in first place, competing for the NL Central crown. A few months later: Lifehouse concert. And it had to be the Pirates. Other teams released their summer concert calendar today, for example.

The Yankees released their summer concert series calendar today, with U2 and Paul McCartney scheduled to perform atop an enormous golden manticore that was genetically engineered by Yankees Bioengineering LLC specifically for the concert.

The Pirates, though? Boyz II Men, Daughtry, STYX, and Lifehouse. Enjoy that Pirates game, Pirates fans? Sure you did. Now stay in your seat, and check out this Lifehouse concert. And if you get home and find that we punched your grandmother in the face, it was probably because of something she said.

Each act that's scheduled to perform represents a little piece of the Pirates, too. Here's my best attempt at lining them up:

STYX
Here we have the Pirates of the '70s. Fearless. Dominant. Capturing the national imagination. And a year passes. And another year. They're not finished that quickly. But then you look up and STYX is gone. They're replaced by Damn Yankees, whose second album, "Don't Tread on Me" is released within days of Sid Bream is rounding third base The universe shudders. Things change. The suck has gone supernova.

Now we have the Pirates and STYX, the musical equivalent to wearing a Steve Nicosia jersey and chewing with your mouth open. Together at last.

Lifehouse
What Damn Yankees hath wrought. Tepid shavings from the abyss that excite people you've never met. The Pat Meares contract of music. This is a reminder that the universe isn't all like the Morgan Freeman monologue at the end of The Shawshank Redemption. Hope is a good thing. But the universe is still a scary thing, and that hope can be devoured in a heartbeat. The Pirates can do that to their fans. Lifehouse can do that to everyone.

On September 29, the Pirates will play a game. We don't know who will pitch, but it will be Kip Wells. It always is. The Pirates will lose on a walk-off balk, even though they're the home team. And as fans sit there, stunned and horrified, people will start setting up for a Lifehouse concert. In your America. And you're just sitting there, like this doesn't concern you.

Daughtry
This is the same exact band. The exact same singer. The exact same everything. The year is different. This can't be the Pat Meares contract of bands. The timing isn't right. But it's the same feeling as you had when you first heard about the Pat Meares contract. The Pat Meares contract isn't the Pat Meares contract. It's a living tendril in the body of time. It is forever. So this is the Pat Meares contract of bands. They all are.

This is Brandon Wood taking at-bats in the second game of a doubleheader. This is Andy Marte in AAA for the Pirates, looking up at Brandon Wood with pangs of jealousy. This is the universe as a repeating .gif, just cycling over and over and over with the same images. You can convince yourself that things are a little different. But nothing has changed. Everything is still awful.

Boyz II Men
Yeah, like I'm going to rip on Boyz II Men. But they take you back to how things were. Listening to the Pirates on the radio on a balmy August day in 1992 as they bludgeon a lesser team into submission. A break between innings reminds you that you still haven't purged the Boyz II Men song from your head. You know the one -- they're singing about Philadelphia, some wretched burg on the other end of I-76 that can't even field a good baseball team. You soak up the rays, and you think about how this summer day will never end. Will never end. Will never end …

And suddenly it's 2012, and the Pirates have announced their summer concert series. Is this making too much out of nothing because it's easy to take cheap shots at the Pirates and bands that elitists don't like? Well, yeah. Of course it is. But admit that you recoiled when you saw that listing of scheduled performers. Now remember that they follow actual Pirates games.

So be careful out there. The Mayans must have had MLB Extra Innings and MTV in one of them pyramids. It's the only explanation.

Also, enter now to win tickets! It should be pretty cool.

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